


Dirty Talk

by MockStrad



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Death Threats, I think that's what it would be called anyway, Locker Room Talk, M/M, Scottish Slang, Sex Talk, Sexual Content, The threats are all in good fun but just in case, Threats, the guys are talking about their sexual encounters ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:53:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29541255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MockStrad/pseuds/MockStrad
Summary: After some drinks, Demoman, Heavy, and Sniper spend some time discussing their sexual conquests on the base.
Relationships: Demoman/Engineer (Team Fortress 2), Heavy/Medic (Team Fortress 2), Scout/Sniper (Team Fortress 2)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 110





	Dirty Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time having to rate something Explicit for purely sexual themes. There's no actual sex taking place, it's just discussed in detail. Also this is something of a continuation of my other Sniper/Scout fanfic You Need Love Like I Do. So if you were wondering how the encounter between Sniper and Scout went from that fic Snipes kinda talks about it here.

It had been a long night of celebratory drinking after a particularly close match earlier that day. The crew had set up a bonfire outside and settled around for beer and stories. Engineer even broke out his guitar, playing quietly as the group celebrated. But the night was winding down and there were only a handful of men left standing.   
  
Demoman and Heavy were loudly laughing together as Spy stood. “Gentlemen, good evening,” he said, flicking the last of his cigarette into the smoldering fire.   
  
“Yeah, I think I should turn in, too,” Scout added. He stifled a yawn, stretched, then passed in front of Sniper. Maybe it was the four or five… or seven beers that he’d had but he leaned down and planted a kiss to the Australian’s lips, eliciting an “oooo!” from Demo and Heavy. The kiss was swiftly followed by a playful punch to the shoulder, maybe a little too hard with drink. “See ya tomorrow, knucklehead.”   
  
While Sniper nursed his bruising shoulder, Scout hopped over the logs they’d dragged over for seating and rushed past Spy inside. 

“Sniper!” Heavy laughed. “Didn’t realize you had caught the Scout’s eye.” 

“Aye, what’s all that about? Not keepin’ secrets are ya, lad?” 

Sniper pulled his hat down a touch to cover his warming face. “You two are makin’ a mountain out of a molehill, you know that?” 

The pair laughed again. “Is alright, we all get closer the longer we stay here,” Heavy managed. Sniper shot him a glance under the brim of his hat, noting how Heavy was looking fondly into the fire. 

“Away from civilization, the only women around bein’ Miss Pauling and the Administrator? Aye, ye take what you can get at that point,” Demoman said, sagely. 

“Is more than this,” Heavy insisted. “There is comradery. Feelings.” Sniper and Demo were now looking at him intently, waiting for an explanation. “You cannot say you have not been seeing how the Doctor and I flirt?” 

“Flirt?!” Demoman spat out his drink, Sniper straightening. 

Heavy let out a snort, tossing another bundle of sticks into the fire. “ _Da_ , we thought it was obvious.” 

“That crazed doctor, a flirt?” Demoman asked. 

Instead of getting defensive, Heavy chuckled. “Doctor certainly is… Ambitious.” That was a way to put it. “He has been working on secret project on the side just for me,” Heavy added with a sly smile. Intrigued, the pair shifted closer at his motion. “Heavy is big man. You know this. But I am also,” he paused, eyes glancing downward meaningfully. “ _Big_ man.” The other two were rapt with attention. “I tell Doctor, I like when he uses his mouth. But this is problem. So now he works on special project just for me.”   
  
“What, he gonna shrink yer tadger?” Demoman asked, confused.   
  
“ _Nyet_ , something to help _him_.” 

“Crikey,” Sniper whistled. “That’s some dedication.” 

Demoman didn’t seem as impressed. “It cannae be _that_ big.” He began fumbling with his belt. “Go on, give us a show!” He continued to curse and threaten as Sniper and Heavy scrambled to keep him from dropping his trousers. After a while he seemed to forget he’d been aiming to have a dick measuring contest and settled back into his seat with a long swig from his bottle.   
  
“You boys really wanna hear about a good pump, settle in.” Demo paused to take another swig, letting out a gasp once his mouth was free of the bottle. “I’ll tell ya about Engie.” 

That was also a surprise, Sniper and Heavy leaning in to hear just how the hell that had worked out. 

“He an’ I were workin’ on weapon improvements together,” Demo explained. “Me grenade launcher was needin’ a tune up so I met him in his lab. But I musta walked in at the wrong time cause the dafty man was havin’ himself a chug.”   
  
Heavy gave Sniper a confused look. “He walked in on Engie having a wank,” he explained, to which Heavy nodded. The pair waved for Demoman to continue. 

“Aye, that he was. Now I figured I shoulda had myself a walk and forgot the whole thing, but I heard him whining somethin’ fierce. And soon enough I had myself a nice stauner. So I made myself known, asked if I could lend him a hand. He seemed himself fair affronted, but as soon as I started givin’ him a smourich he was gaitin on it.” 

Heavy and Sniper nodded along, Sniper taking a long swig from his beer as they listened. “Is one time occurrence?” Heavy asked, curiously. 

Demoman gave a slight shrug. “Few times now.”  
  
“This would explain why you stay so near Engineer during fights.”   
  
If the Scotsman could flush any more he certainly would have. “You noticed that, did ya?”

Heavy shot him a sly smirk. “I am not _duratskiy_ as everyone thinks.” 

There was something Spartan in the way Heavy and Demoman spoke of their companions. It made Sniper think about whether Scout had saved his sorry ass in battle without him knowing. The real question was if Scout was as attached to him as he hoped. 

“So, Sniper,” Heavy interrupted his thought process. “We have shared intimates with you. Tell us truth. _Malen'kiy mal'chik_ Scout, he is inexperienced, yes?” 

He shouldn’t kiss and tell. He _really_ shouldn’t. Maybe it was the beer going to his head or the heat of the fire or the fact that the other two were staring him down with intrigue. Or perhaps it was the fact that he felt the need to defend Scout in this moment. Whatever the reason, Sniper set down his bottle firmly. 

“You’d be surprised how much the boy knows,” he insisted. Demo and Heavy let out another simultaneous noise of surprise. “In fact, he’s the one who approached me.” 

Demo immediately snorted, “Yer pullin me bawbag. Scout cannae ask a girl out much less you.” 

His initial hesitance waning, Sniper crossed his arms over his chest. “Practically threw himself at me.” 

“How he do this?” Heavy asked. 

“Well… I was on the roof of me van, stargazing. Sometimes he comes to visit at night, chats shit and the like. This time he starts goin’ off about how hard it is to get a moment alone. Next thing I know I got a lap fulla the bloke,” Sniper explained. 

“Alright, alright,” Demoman retorted. “So he sat in yer lap like a wee lamb, I’m sure you had to teach him a thing or two in the sack.” 

Sniper shook his head. “Never been with a bloke before him.” Sniper raised his eyes to get a good look at their faces as he added, “But he has.” 

They were completely enraptured, leaning in to hear more. They couldn’t believe that _Scout_ of all people was skillful in bed. 

“So we get down to me bed. The whole time he’s grabbin’ at me and kissin’ me. He shoves me on the bed and next thing I know he’s on his knees between my legs. Looks me right in the eye and says, ‘Bet I can swallow the whole thing’.” There was an explosion of surprised noise at that, encouraging Sniper to continue. “Lemme tell you, he gives a good gobby.” 

“Little Scout, he says this?!” Heavy exclaimed. 

“He did, and he succeeded.”

Demoman looked ready to challenge Sniper to a contest of manhoods, so he quickly swerved the topic. “That wasn’t all, though, I mean he knew exactly what he was doin’. I felt like a teenager fumblin’ around while he had me.” The pair responded with derision, but Sniper was on a roll. “Okay, so he did this thing where he put his legs--”

A gun was cocked, cold metal pressed to his temple. Demo and Heavy’s eyes were wide as saucers as Spy uncloaked beside Sniper.

“ _Arrêter_.”

Heavy was the first to respond, holding up his hands. “Spy, we thought you had gone to bed.” 

“A man is not allowed to have a smoke in peace?” Spy shot back, his eyes not leaving Sniper. A bead of sweat slipped down the Australian’s face. 

“ _Da_ , this is true. Ah… What we say, is funny joking from drinks,” Heavy tried to explain. Demo gave an enthusiastic nod. 

Spy was Scout’s father. They all knew this, except Scout himself. It was a well-kept open secret of sorts. Normally, Spy was fine with the team teasing Scout and pushing him around and would even get in on it himself when he wasn’t too full of himself. But something about this conversation had set him off apparently. 

Spy crouched to speak directly into Sniper’s ear. 

“If I ever hear you say such disgusting things about the boy again a bullet to your brain is the least of your worries, _mon ami_.”

Sniper had somewhat recovered from the shock and blindly reached down to grab his drink. He brought it to his lips, polished it off, then looked Spy in the eye as he said, “I’m not the one who openly boasts to my own son about how often I fuck his mum.” 

The look on Spy’s face was priceless. Demoman’s howls of laughter echoed through the night as the Frenchman suddenly cloaked again and disappeared. 

Sniper made a mental note, though, to keep his eye on the man. It was clear he had more paternal instincts than the crew had initially thought. 

**Author's Note:**

> God help me, I learned so many different words for dick to write this.


End file.
